


shared bodies

by prettyluke (buttonjimin)



Series: the lack long after [3]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 16x16, Angst, Emotional Sex, First Love, Grinding, I almost typed fluff and angst but believe me no fluff here, M/M, Songfic, Teenagers, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-24
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-07-26 13:16:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7575370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buttonjimin/pseuds/prettyluke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"You can leave me,” Luke whispers, stroking Ashton’s curls back. “When you get tired.”</i><br/>Or, Luke wants a lot of things Ashton can't give him, and Ashton has mixed feelings about what he can.</p>
            </blockquote>





	shared bodies

**Author's Note:**

> tagged underage for some 16 yr old boys grindin it out. reminder for those who have not read the precursors to this section of the fic, this is a very heavy series that deals with grief and death.

Ashton can’t keep his hands off Luke. They’re sixteen and high on hormones, and they’re eager to experience each other for the first time in ways they haven’t yet. They’re no longer small, restrained by uncertainty and exchanging chaste kisses. Ashton’s hands are under Luke’s shirt, riding up on his chest. A bit of his tummy has been exposed in Ashton’s eagerness. Ashton can’t help but run his fingers over the soft white flesh.

“Ash,” Luke whispers, grinning sheepishly. He pushes at Ashton’s hand. “You’re tickling me.”

Ashton laughs, scooting down the bed to press a kiss to Luke’s stomach. His stomach contracts as he starts to laugh too. Luke tangles his fingers in Ashton’s hair, stroking softly as Ashton makes sure to shower every part of him with attention. Ashton is determined not to leave a single inch of Luke untouched by the end of the night.

“You’re just so beautiful,” Ashton says, still smiling but no longer joking. “So beautiful. Do you know how beautiful you are?”

Luke’s smile falters slightly. Ashton sees the brief doubt cross his face. “I don’t know.”

“What’s wrong?” Ashton asks, moving back up the bed immediately so he can see Luke’s face better. Luke’s eyes, wide like saucers, stare into his own. “Don’t you know you’re the most beautiful boy in the world?” And Ashton means it with every fiber of his being. Luke is all softness where he’s beginning to muscle up, pale and thin from spending so much time inside. Breathing takes up too much time to live a more normal life. But Ashton likes him the same, especially the blush pink of his lips and his bright, sharp blue eyes.

Ashton rests the flat of his hand against Luke’s thin chest, Luke’s heartbeat thumping erratically against his fingertips. Luke shivers and looks up at Ashton, meeting his eyes with a helpless look. “Show me,” Luke says.

_**So striking, I swear you leveled me with a look** _

Ashton presses himself against Luke and kisses up his jaw. “You’re beautiful,” he says, sucking a mark into his jaw. He’ll pay for it later if anyone asks how Luke managed to bruise his face, but he doesn’t care right now. “Beautiful, Luke. Your eyes, your skin, your mouth.”

“But I’m sick,” Luke says, staring at the ceiling. “And everyone says I look half dead.”

**_Reminded me of my breathing patterns._ **

Ashton pauses, about to kiss him again, struck by Luke’s words. His stomach goes from warm to cold in seconds. Half dead, that’s what he is. He’s about to kiss a boy with one foot already in the gutter. Luke isn’t just anyone; he’s special, because the time they have now has to last.

It’s a crucial moment, because Ashton has to decide how far he wants to take this while he can. Luke is not someone he can commit to in a moment of passion; how do you break a sick boy’s heart? Ashton has never held someone’s life in his hands. Luke is waiting, patient, afraid, to see what Ashton will do. Maybe Ashton doesn’t know what he’s wading into, but he leans down and brushes his lips over Luke’s cheek. “It’s okay.”

Luke is quiet as Ashton kisses him, and Ashton can tell he’s deep in thought. He doesn’t seem present, and Ashton hesitates to touch him under his shirt, just rests his hand over Luke’s soft stomach. Tentatively, Ashton thumbs the waistband of Luke’s pants, and Luke reacts immediately.

“No,” Luke says, pushing against Ashton’s chest desperately and sitting up. Ashton sits back, perplexed. “Ash, wait.” Luke shakes his head once or twice as if to clear it, and wraps his arms around his torso. “Ash. Listen. I—I’m not sure.”

“Luke, it’s okay,” Ashton says, frowning. His heart tightens, desperate to show Luke that it doesn’t matter, that he’ll take him any way he can have him. “I know you’re sick, and—I know that comes with limits, and—and terms of service agreements, and all that. It doesn’t make me want you any less.”

Luke smiles falteringly, red flooding his cheeks. “I just wanted to ask if we can go slowly,” Luke whispers, and Ashton stares at him for a moment before dissolving into giggles, the sobriety of the moment broken.

“Right,” Ashton snorts, composing himself. “Sorry. Should we—talk about it?”

“If you want to kill the mood,” Luke says, smirking and swatting at his arm. “Just—I don’t want to go all the way. I’m not ready.”

“I wasn’t going to. We don’t even have proper supplies,” Ashton protests defensively, although in the back of his mind he’d considered what to do in a time like this if they got desperate. “No, Luke, it’s fine.” He puts his hand on Luke’s leg and smiles. “You sure about this?”

Luke nods and smiles back, reaching up to tuck Ashton’s curls behind his ear. “I trust you.”

Ashton wonders whether this is the right decision. This is going to hurt one way or another. What if he’s making a mistake? Will he still love Luke in a few years? Is he going to be strong enough to stick with him even at the end? When will the end come?

He’s silent and still for too long. The doubt returns to Luke’s face in the lapse, and Luke says timidly, “Ash? Are you sure?”

Ashton shakes his head slowly and watches as Luke’s face falls. Luke sits up abruptly and yanks his shirt down. He starts fumbling for his sweatpants. Ashton feels his heart sink like a rock. He probably won’t get this chance again. “Luke. Listen. Babe, please don’t be like this.”

“Be like what?” Luke says shrilly, eyes suddenly misting with tears. “I get it. You don’t want to be with me like that.”

“Luke—”

“I’m an idiot. Why did I bring up being sick? I ruined it.” Luke is babbling, curling in on himself. Ashton tries to sort through his feelings fast enough to come up with something to say that doesn’t make him sound like a massive douchebag. Luke won’t stop talking.

“Luke,” Ashton whispers, grabbing his bony wrist. Luke strains to pull away, but he holds on anyway. “Please. I didn’t say I didn’t want you. I just—what happens to us after? I don’t want to hurt you. What if doing all this—changes things? I don’t want to be naive. Because I really, really care about you, and I want to be serious about us. But what we have isn’t normal. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. But I can’t take dumb risks with your feelings.”

Luke nods, slowly and then more rapidly. He blinks quickly, and a few tears spill down his cheeks. He pulls his hand away successfully this time and covers his face, trying to stifle the sound of his tears. “I know. I know you care, I’m sorry. It’s just, I don’t want to die without having loved first, and nobody else is going to love me like you do. I don’t care if things change. I might not even have time for a second chance with someone else.”

**_Seduced a love to grief and left the same as you came._ **

Stupidly, of course, Ashton understands. Luke is slowly coming to terms with his future, their future, and the possibility that all the guarantees in life are only maybes. Maybe he’ll live long enough to go to college. Maybe he’ll live long enough to get married. Maybe. Luke is in a rush to experience everything now, and Ashton wants to give him everything he wants so he doesn’t miss anything.

He’s sixteen, though, and he can’t do that.

“Okay,” Ashton says finally, pressing Luke back down and nodding. His gaze catches on Luke’s drowning blue eyes, and he can sense Luke’s desperation. He doesn’t know if it’s from real desire or the driving need to hit all the milestones he can.

**_We were based on an end._ **

Ashton kisses Luke gently, trying to ease him back into the mood. Luke doesn’t respond as eagerly, but he curls his fingers around Ashton’s face, trembling and unsure like a newborn.

And Ashton wonders how he got so unlucky, feels fate pressing in on him and resents his situation for once. Why did things have to happen this way when he could have had anyone else? Why does Luke have to slip away? He wants stability, comfort in the knowledge that he has Luke for good. He didn’t know he wanted things until he knew he couldn’t have them.

**_It’s as if everyone always arrives already gone._ **

“You’re the best, you know?” Luke whispers, hand resting against Ashton’s cheek. “I’m glad I found you.”

“Shut up, sap,” Ashton says, pulling his hand down and laying it on the bed next to them. “I promised to make you feel good. If you’ll let me.”

Luke smiles and nods and relaxes again. He threads his fingers through Ashton’s and squeezes, and pushes his chin forward to try and capture Ashton’s lips with his own. “Of course I’ll let you,” he murmurs.

“Love you,” Ashton whispers.

**_Some say, some say love is time, I helped you pass._ **

Ashton grinds down hesitantly, hips aligned with Luke’s. He’s never done this before, and it scares him as much as it thrills him. He’s entertained a million fantasies through his teen years once he figured out what porn was, but he’s probably never thought of making love, or even doing anything with this much love. He’s never considered intimacy, but right now, with the moonlight hitting across his back, he wants to press himself against Luke as tightly as possible. He wants to be part of him, inextricably.

Luke is quiet the whole time, never giving up anything but soft little pants. He tangles his fingers in Ashton’s hair and whispers, “Please,” now and then, kissing Ashton with heavy force.

_**Could almost smell the must, the urgency. I knew better, I just didn’t care.** _

And the thing is, Ashton should never have allowed himself to give in to his own selfish desire and put Luke’s love on the line. He shouldn’t have dug this deep with a boy who is more disease than promise, who trusts him to do the right thing. But he’s here now, pulling whimpers and moans from his best friend, muffling the same noises with a kiss to make sure the walls don’t give away their secret. He doesn’t want to feel anything like this ever again, doesn’t want to feel a love that hurts like being set on fire.

**_But I think that I felt more inside you than I would have liked._ **

And now he’s bound to Luke forever, as they reach height together, stiffening into a single statuesque figure and then slumping into distinction, rolling apart but never separating. Luke’s shaky hands are ghosting up to cup his face, warm and sticky, and it’s over.

“You can leave me,” Luke whispers, stroking Ashton’s curls back. “When you get tired.”

But Ashton isn’t stupid enough to grasp for a false escape. “I’m not leaving,” he whispers back, pulling Luke fiercely to him. “I’m going to be here forever.”

It’s a minute before he feels the shoulder of his t-shirt soak hot and wet, and the quiet shaking of Luke’s shoulders. It’s that painful minute before Luke chokes out, “Please don’t leave me.”

In that minute, before he realizes how much this means to Luke, he realizes what it means to him. Love, and the easing of a life passing in slow motion.

**_Through those somber windows, we were addicted to the moon light lines in my old room, and I couldn’t tell us apart._ **

**Author's Note:**

> next part brings some excitement and a beginning to the end :) as always you can find me @ clingyluke on tumblr and stay tuned!!


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